The Bathroom

Now. The other day I was sitting in the bathroom doing what needs to be done... you know the one that requires sitting. I started thinking as most people do when in this position. I thought... what if... what if a murderer where to come crashing into the bathroom whilst I was in mid push? What would I do? What could I do? What could anyone do? Does the military put out some sort of manual on field shitting? As I see it... normal people have a adverse reaction to smelling other peoples poo so the person that barged in would undoubtably be somewhat insane. I mean you woulod have to be right? Shit stinks. Ok so what your dealing with is a man (or woman) whos so mentally derailed that they have no regard for human fecis much less human life. Maybe he or she LIKES the smell?! Is it safe also to assume that the assailant is no stranger to frontal nudity? I think so. So now we have a weapon wielding, sexually aroused, shit addict barging into a room with only one way in or out. Holding these truths to be self evident we can now build an accurate defense strategy. Here is what you can do as a tax paying peacfully deficating american citizen to stop this growing menace.

First of all!! Be Prepared: your attacker is waiting for you weakess moment! That time when the turtles head is just leaving the shell. A time when pinching off is not an option and pulling back is impossible! My book "Self Defense: Fight First Whipe Later" will teach you proven effective retalitory manouvers such as "one hand whiping", "fecis hand fist" and the most deadly "liquid sword techinque" taught to me by 10th Generation Shoalin Outhouse Chamber Master Wu Pu Shin. With the easy to follow step by step illustrations the movements become as natural as bowel movements. Act now and you will also recieve my DVD for kids "Dirty Daiper Deadly Viper"... and thats about as far as I got... I whiped and rolled out... i would have ended with the liquid sword thing but my session went into overtime if you know what I mean... I would like to add that none of this really happened.. ok maybe once.